Learning to Love

by Harville Hendrix, PhD, and Helen LaKelly Hunt, PhD

One of the biggest discoveries in our 29-year marriage is that there are two people in our relationship. This may seem obvious, but most of us operate from the illusion that "I am the center." Anyone in our life becomes an extension of us. We assume that others want what we want, feel what we feel, and think like we think. And if they don't, they should. Because we both held this perspective, our marriage quickly became conflicted as we both held steadfastly to the prison of our own perceptions. Sometimes the content of our arguments seemed different, but the process was always the same: we both talked (or yelled) and neither of us listened, and it seemed to always end in distance and alienation.

We were both determined not to let another failed marriage occur (this was a second marriage for both of us). One day, during one of our heated debates, Helen suggested that one of us talk while the other listened. The listener could then respond only after reflecting back what had been heard. This had an immediate salutary effect on our relationship since being heard was something neither of us had ever really experienced. It led formally to "mirroring," the first of three steps in a process we later called the Intentional Dialogue.

In mirroring, the listener merely reflects back an exact paraphrase of what the other person is saying, using a lead sentence like: "If I got it right, you said..." It is designed to help the listener hear the other person without any interpretation or emotional reaction. The receiver can accurately hear the other and the sender can experience being heard.

Years later, after years of practice mirroring each other, teaching this practice to others, and writing about it in our book, Getting the Love You Want, we realized that mirroring is not enough. We felt the need not only to be heard, but to be understood at a deeper level. We wanted our messages to each other to be accepted as our "truth," so we added a second component called "validation." Validation involves seeing the "sense" or logic in someone else's point of view. It does not mean we must agree, but that "I understand you and I accept you" and simultaneously "I am still me."

With validation, the listener might say, "What you are saying to me makes sense, because..." This forces the listener to see the logic in the other person's mind as equally valid as the logic in their own mind. The listener can momentarily step into the shoes of the other person and see through their eyes. It is an offer to taste, savor, and honor the other person's experience and otherness. Validation prevents either person from having an absolute opinion. It makes it impossible to say an impressionist painting is better than a modern sculpture or the scent of a gardenia is better than honeysuckle. Ultimately, in validation, people discover, as we discovered, that there is an "I" distinct from "me," and that every point of view is relative to the one who holds it.

Later, we developed the third and final step of the Intentional Dialogue process: empathy. We realized we not only wanted our point of view validated, we also wanted our feelings to be recognized. An empathic dialogue might begin: "Given your reality, I can imagine you might be feeling..." If the feelings are not obvious, it is important to check and see if the imagined feelings are correct. Over time, imagining another's feelings can transcend into actually participating in those feelings. Expressing empathy is like saying, "I am experiencing what you are experiencing, yet I remain myself."

When put together, the three steps in Intentional Dialogue might sound like this: "So, if I heard you correctly, you're upset that I wasn't here when you came home. Given that you didn't know where I was, it makes sense that you would feel concerned about me and angry that I didn't leave a note. I can imagine you were feeling anxious and scared that something happened to me. Did I get this right?"

Although we created the Intentional Dialogue within our relationship, we noticed it greatly affected our children. Not only were they spared from witnessing their parents' arguments, they also learned to communicate this way with us, each other, and their friends. For example, one day Harville was upset with our son Hunter, who neglected to feed his pets. Hunter immediately responded by mirroring his dad's frustration. He maintained the connection between them, rather than fostering conflict. Then, using dialogue, father and son were able to revisit Hunter's responsibilities, develop a plan that allowed Hunter to not feel overwhelmed, ensure the pets didn't go hungry.

Over time, as we practiced, we began to feel a different kind of love. We call it "true love," because we are seeing and honoring each other for who we are. Before that, love was only about what we imagined each other to be. And as we learned to accept and love others, we also learned to accept and love ourselves.

By using the dialogue process, anyone can learn to tap into the full range of thinking, moving, feeling, and sensing abilities, which ultimately allows us to access our full potential. We can envision a world like this and we ask you to join us in creating that world.

Harville Hendrix, PhD, and Helen LaKelly Hunt, PhD, are cocreators of Imago Relationship Therapy and the concept of the "conscious marriage." Harville is author of Getting the Love You Want, which has been a New York Times best-seller and featured on the Oprah Winfrey Show, and Keeping the Love You Find, and is coauthor, with Helen, of Receiving Love, The Couples Companion, and The Personal Companion.

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