When we meet someone, what is going on? We assume we hold an awareness of our interior and exterior, and they do the same, but in many cases this isn’t a given.

My internal “I” arises in myself. I arise in my own awareness and perception. Everything I feel in my body and my emotions arises in my awareness. But you also arise in my awareness. It’s like there are two video projectors going. I’m looking at the screen and I see the projection of you inside me.

But I don’t know what’s really out there. I can’t go outside of me and look around and then go back in. No one can go outside their perception. Nobody can tell if what we see, feel, or hear is really out there. We just know that it arrives here, in us, and we make cultural agreements about it. We agree to call this a “table” and to call that a “person.” But all we have is our perception, which is why we have disagreements.

The Two Movies We Run

The projector has an internal input that tells me everything about my internal world and me. It also has a cable running from the outside and it projects those images onto the screen. When we are relaxed and everything in life is beautiful and easy, I can hold both images on the screen. It can go back and forth easily.

But if I have an argument with my wife or my kids, or if I’m triggered by something, then my inner awareness overshadows the external awareness. My emotions become much stronger than my capacity to feel you, and then I start projecting all kinds of stuff onto you. 

My discomfort with my wife always seemed to be my wife's fault! That seemed to be a given. Slowly, I learned to take the energy back and I found out that I felt the discomfort and it wasn’t because of her. That’s when the journey starts.

If we have any kind of trauma, it’s very likely that we can’t hold interior and exterior awareness at the same time. When we get triggered in a traumatized part, in the attachment part that is not integrated, we will not be able to relate to others and we won’t create a sustainable culture because we lose our connection. When my interior and exterior are disconnected, the story of suffering starts and we perpetuate that suffering.

Attuning to Each Other

When we are able to hold a coherent internal and external awareness, and they are connected, life information flows. Through our contemplative practices, we refine our path so that our word, our action, and the energy of the moment is the same. So when I talk to you, I am not talking to somebody, I'm talking specifically to you, which means that my nervous system attunes to your specific code.

When we sit in the same room with someone, it doesn’t mean that we’re necessarily relating well to them. Relation is like two trains going in the same direction. One goes 100 miles an hour and the other goes 200 miles an hour. Who sits in the other train? You don’t know, because Zoom! It goes by too fast for you to see.

But if two trains next to each other both go 100 miles an hour, then you can open up the window and have a cup of tea. I think that's a beautiful metaphor for relation. Just because I sit in the same room with you doesn't mean we are well related, we just happened to be in the same room. But if I get my nervous system to really feel you and include you in my experience, then I respect the unique viewpoint in life that only you can take.

When we establish coherence it’s like one nervous system tuning in with another nervous system to create a data highway. In cultures we see often that the data highway is not well established. That it’s random because we don't take a moment to really sync up. But by listening to each other precisely, we get into an attuned state. Attunement means that I get your web address. You tell me your dot-com, and the moment I have your inner code I have access to your energy and you have access to mine. When we feel each other, much more information flows. And then my body knows your body, my emotions know your emotions, and my mind knows your mind and my higher self knows your higher self. So we create two lines and we create a coherent field.

We’re One But We’re Not the Same

Nondual teachings are often misinterpreted as saying everything and everyone is the same. But not everything is the same. Everything is personal and at the same time holds a key to the universal.

Everybody has a single note, a single instrument, and when we listen to the conductor, we play in a beautiful orchestra, where we’re attuned to one another. If we don't listen to the conductor, everybody plays whatever they want and it’s chaotic. That's what we see in the world right now. We are not listening to the main organizing principle inside, so we’re not listening to each other.

There are millions of cells and bacteria that make up me and somehow they stick together to keep doing that. Today I am here all day in this very congruent form. How come? What’s their organizing principle? Why do they do what they do? They are listening to a conductor.

When we listen to our inner guidance, we are listening to the inner conductor. When I loosen up inside and surrender and bow down to the divine inside—to this higher priority—then I can receive. I receive blessings. I receive creative thoughts. I receive innovation. I am able to receive because I know I am not the conductor, and that's what opens the space and allows me to calibrate with you.